Excerpts from Separate No More
Chapter Two: Care Deeply
“It's not enough to have lived. We should be determined to live for something. May I suggest that it be creating joy for others, sharing what we have for the betterment of personkind, bringing hope to the lost and love to the lonely.” -- Leo Buscaglia
When we care deeply about something, we can move mountains to achieve our goals. We often care deeply about people or things that we view as somehow a part of us. Either they are members of our immediate family or someone we’ve invested a part of ourselves in. But, as the quotation at the beginning of this book reminds us, our task is to extend ourselves beyond this intimate circle and embrace all living beings and the natural world.
How? How do we cultivate deep caring for one another, for other beings and for the environment that sustains us? I think it comes naturally. It’s quite natural to feel the connection to each other and to the natural world if we just allow it. That’s why we feel relaxation during a walk in nature. That’s why we’re moved by the enormous struggle and hardship of penguins crossing ice covered terrain. That’s why we cry when presented with images of violence, brutality or injustice toward another (unknown to us) being. It’s a natural response and one that should not be crushed and hidden away. Even though we were taught to more and lesser degrees to do just that, there is no advantage in being hard, unfair, cruel and even indifferent. It’s not within our nature. It does not serve our emotional, physical or mental health to behave contrary to our naturally compassionate responses. To harden renders us ever more susceptible to breakage – we are more vulnerable, not less. Why don’t we act against injustice and suffering anywhere and everywhere it occurs? We’re capable of great compassion but, old and un-serving mental habits – a fearful mindset that tells us there is scarcity and difference - keep us from behaving naturally. Any one of us can feel joy and pain from and for any corner of the globe if we allow ourselves to do so. It’s a matter of choosing to see rightly. We can wake up our natural compassion. ...
We All Speak the Same Language
I love visiting other countries as well as parts of my own. I’ve never had a bad travel experience. Sure, I’ve had the occasional delay, less than desirable weather and I’ve lost my luggage a time or two. But from Connecticut to Kyoto I’ve encountered individuals just as curious about the world, about me and where I came from as I was about them. And that is what the experience of travel is. It is not the vehicle or process that got you to your destination. It is the place, the people, their food, stories and music. I’ve enjoyed the people everywhere I’ve been. The Irish were quick-witted and playful, Central Americans ever smiling and relaxed, the Japanese incredibly gracious and the warmth of the Italians has lingered in my heart these many years. In each of these places, and others, I found people that were warm and welcoming. I’m an advocate of travel as a means of education about other places, cultures and mythologies. I also find it a means of self-healing, of grounding. Exposure to others and their customs invariably proves to me how similar we are. The landscape varies and the language, but wherever you go you will find individuals with similar dreams, values and priorities. Parents want their children to be safe and happy. Everyone understands laughter or a genuine smile. We understand and can feel for one another’s tears.
Some things are understood in every language. Love, peace, generosity, these are universal concepts. It’s an odd experience, to be in an environment where you don’t understand the language spoken. It’s an opportunity to be among many voices and yet enjoy a personal silence, if you choose, amidst commotion. It’s something you can’t fully experience in your own culture. It’s like sitting outdoors and hearing birdsong. It’s possible to relegate it to the background; the sounds are familiar enough not to disturb, no meaning is attached to them to interfere with your own thoughts. Or, you can choose to pay full attention. You can distinguish a relaxed chirping from an alert to danger. With people, if you are fully tuned in, it’s often possible to understand the intended meaning of the words spoken if not the words themselves. When you combine this attentive listening with the observance of facial expressions, you can pick out quite a lot of dialog, really. Spoken in any language, for example, the expression of love is easily understood. My observation - admittedly an unscientific experiment - is that in any language, it’s possible to understand when love is being expressed. I don’t mean just between lovers, aided by a display of eye gazing, hand-holding and lingering kisses. I mean love in a much broader sense. I mean gentleness, kindness, helpfulness, caring and acceptance sincerely offered is recognizable in any language. The words are spoken with a cadence that gives a clue to meaning and intent. There is brightness, a shine in the eyes. The mouth and lines of the face are softened. I’ve been fortunate to often be the recipient of such expressions of loving kindness. I thought then and still think of the helpfulness or the caring offered. The intent was understood and appreciated even when the vehicle of language was not.
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness” -- Mark Twain
What if we could approach our differences, like language or culture, with acceptance rather than seeking to change, teach and correct? What if we ‘train’ ourselves to care enough to be curious rather than fearful - to seek understanding first? What if we expand our capacity for listening to include all of our senses? In this way perhaps we can recognize that we are all expressing the same foundational values each with his/her own natural ‘language’. That language may be one of words or of gestures, music, dance or art. Do we assume that others have good intentions towards us? What is our capacity for ‘listening’ to others and learning about their needs? I think these are questions we should ask ourselves over and over to take the pulse of our current state of connectedness. We have to care deeply enough to listen to what is being expressed and what is needed in order to understand, solve and progress. We have to try not to paint people and situations with a broad brush. How often have we condemned with words entire populations or because of one unpleasant encounter? We have to guard against over-reaction and put our experiences into perspective.
We often feel compelled to try and force onto others our language, our customs, our rules, etc. When I say 'our', I don't mean any particular nation, race or creed. I'm speaking of human nature, generally. People see differences and want to change them into sameness. We are comfortable with sameness - the particular sameness we are used to, that is. We see difference as division, as separation. But is this true? Is it possible to be different, not the same and yet united? Differences can be complimentary, not contrary. The Chinese yin/yang is the symbol of Tao. It's a circle with two equaled areas of black and white. Are they opposing halves? We can perceive them as competing or we can choose to see them as balancing each other. If we choose to perceive difference as divise and contrary, we create an obstacle to embracing diversity and its benefits.
The idea of separation because of geographical location, skin color, language or even species is, like so much habitual thinking; pervasive and untrue. The important point to note is not where or how this falsehood originated, but to know that its’ roots are in fear. We are not separate from the mushrooms that grow in an Italian forest, not separate from ocean plankton or kangaroos. We are not separate from the ancient, majestic Sequoias or the precious but starving African child. Whatever happens, impacts all life on this planet. The visual boundary of our physical bodies is false – as false as the geographical boundaries drawn on a map which exist only in political reality and are malleable. We once believed our thoughts and bodies were separate but science has proved that untrue. We can’t see our thoughts but think we see the end of ‘me’ and the beginning of ‘you’. It’s an illusion.
We Are All Connected
I don’t believe the answers to safety lie in saving up plenty of money, barricading yourself behind security gates and alarm systems, purchasing firearms and creating ‘escape’ plans. I believe the answers lie in joining together and seeing to it that everyone has someone to connect with. I believe everyone has to not only feel accepted and valued, but actually be valued. ...
From Separate No More: Inviting Peace, Embracing Diversity & Creating a Positive Future. Copyright ©2008 by Dawn Murphy
